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Aug 28, 2023 · Key points. Divorce can be challenging and emotionally draining no matter which partner initiates it. The right kind of support, personal and professional, can help people move on after a...
Apr 27, 2021 · How to Heal From a Divorce. Healing is possible, with healthy coping skills and time. Here's how. Posted April 27, 2021|Reviewed by Abigail Fagan. Key points. Divorce involves stages of...
- Overview
- 1. Practice acceptance
- 2. Give all of your feelings space
- 3. Create a co-parenting plan
- 4. Keep calm and practice assertive communication
- 5. Spend quality time with your children
- 6. Reach out to loved ones
- 7. Consider expanding your friend circle
- 8. Reconnect with yourself
- 9. Try out new routines
Divorce, much like a marriage, tends to be a life-altering event.
The process alone can bring plenty of changes, from quieter meals to an empty house, or even a new house. If you have children, your co-parenting schedule could mean spending days without them for the first time.
As you begin to adjust to the altered shape of your life, you might experience a complex blend of thoughts and feelings ranging from betrayal and loss to anger, or even relief.
To put it simply, divorce can throw your life into upheaval. As you begin to reestablish yourself, it can help to keep in mind that divorce doesn’t mean your life has ended. Rather, it signals a new beginning.
People generally don’t get married assuming they’ll eventually divorce. Though divorce is common, you might feel perfectly confident your marriage will last.
The dissolution of your marriage, then, may come as something of a shock.
It’s entirely natural to have regrets, wish things had turned out differently, and wonder whether you could have done anything to prevent it. You might also feel some confusion, even denial, and find the divorce difficult to accept.
But despite these (completely valid) feelings, the fact remains: The marriage has ended.
While some ex-partners do remarry, divorce tends to be a pretty final break. Holding too tightly to the past, or the future you envisioned, can get in the way of your healing and make it difficult to move forward.
So, try to gently redirect your thoughts when you begin to notice them drifting down the path of:
Along with acceptance comes self-validation.
In the immediate aftermath of divorce (and sometimes for a good long stretch after) you might experience:
•pain, betrayal, and sadness
•fear, uncertainty, and doubt
•contempt and disgust
•anger, hostility, or rage
Evidence suggests children do better in every respect when parents cooperate with the other parent to share parenting responsibilities:
•According to a 2014 summary of 40 studies, spending at least 35 percent of the time with each parent led to better emotional, behavioral, and physical health and improved relationships with both parents.
•According to research from 2020, maintaining a quality parenting relationship with your ex after divorce plays an important role in both healthy child development and overall family well-being.
Developing an effective plan right away can minimize disagreements over who gets first dibs on holiday weekends, summer vacation, and so on. It can also help you establish a pattern of respectful communication right from the start.
Tip: Try to focus on what’s best for your children, not who “wins” or gets a “better deal.”
Say your ex works from home and plans to continue living in the neighborhood where your children already go to school. It might make more sense for your children to spend slightly more time there during the school season and more time with you during the summer.
Sure, you might feel upset, angry, and have nothing but contempt for your ex. Still, when you have to stay in contact, it can help to temporarily set those feelings aside.
That’s not to say you should ignore those feelings. Just aim to avoid letting them tint your discussions as you hash out details.
A few helpful tips:
•Set boundaries around communication. Will you call, text, or email? How often?
•Limit your conversations to essentials, like childcare or any financial arrangements you’ve put in place.
•Avoid jabs, insults, and any hurtful or snide remarks.
Making a point to enjoy fun activities and create new traditions with your children can help ease the post-divorce transition.
No matter how busy and overwhelming your new day-to-day routine becomes, dedicate some time each day to checking in with your children and relaxing as a family.
You don’t need to make every moment fun and exciting, or deviate too much from your regular routine. But you might:
•Take time for one fun outing each week, like a trip to a movie, beach, or park.
•Establish new rituals, like cooking dinner together or having a board game night.
•Spend 30 minutes each evening sharing details from your day.
You’ll most likely need some space to vent any anger, sadness, and pain you feel.
Turning to your support system to express these emotions out can make a big difference in your overall well-being, along with your ability to weather the ongoing stress of the divorce.
Friends and family can listen with empathy (and understanding, if they’ve also experienced divorce) and offer both emotional support and tangible solutions: a place to stay, help with childcare, or simply thoughtful guidance.
Just remember there’s no need to share your feelings with people who pass judgment or make you feel worse. Aim to connect only with loved ones who offer validation, compassion, and kindness.
Divvying up shared belongings is one thing, but what about mutual friends?
It’s not uncommon for shared friends to gravitate toward one partner or the other after divorce. If you didn’t have many friends of your own before getting married, you might have “inherited” your spouse’s friends when tying the knot.
You may have grown close enough that your friendship continues after divorce, but that’s not always the case. You might, then, find yourself feeling lonely, even isolated, once the marriage ends.
Forging new bonds can help ease feelings of loneliness and create lasting opportunities for social connection.
A few helpful tips for making new friends:
•Volunteer in your community.
Even if you thought you knew yourself pretty well, you might find divorce calls your sense of self into question.
There’s no denying that relationships can change people, and you might realize you’re not quite the same person you were when you got married.
Some of your current habits and preferences might have evolved naturally, in response to your own likes, dislikes, and preferred routines. Others, however, may reflect your ex’s needs and preferences.
Maybe you’d rather (or rather not):
•spend time in nature than exercise at a gym
•stick to a plant-based diet
The sense of aimlessness that often creeps in after divorce can leave you with plenty of time to mull over what-if scenarios and sink into a spiral of uncomfortable feelings.
Changing up your regular schedule could go a long way toward:
•countering feelings of loneliness and other unwanted emotions
•preventing rumination and other unhelpful patterns that stem from emotional distress
There’s nothing at all wrong with following a tried-and-true routine. All the same, establishing new patterns can promote a sense of renewal, while reinforcing the fact that your life belongs to you alone.
A few ideas to consider:
- Crystal Raypole
- Acceptance, not denial. Divorce is a hard pill that you may have to swallow, whether you want to or not. When the divorce is happening, denial only makes dealing with divorce anxiety more painful in the long run.
- It is okay to grieve. Healing from divorce is never easy because this separation comes in waves of grief from the loss of love, companionship, shared experiences, hopes, plans, and intellectual, emotional, and financial support.
- Be easy on yourself. It is okay if you feel low and do not wish to engage in the daily activities of life when you are dealing with divorce anxiety. Take a break and clear out your thoughts.
- Talk about your feelings. Avoid being alone during this time. Talk to your friends and family and share what you are feeling. Share your feelings with the people you trust or find people you can talk to about your feelings.
- Shock. The shock of your clarity about getting a divorce and informing your spouse: Gina (not her real name) struggles with her decision for months. Years of couples counseling have not improved the marriage.
- Guilt. While divorce is very common in our culture, there is still an old stigma attached to it. Remind yourself that you are not a failure just because your marriage ended.
- Grief. Grief and sadness are normal feelings when dealing with loss. The death of the dream when you made your vows: “I’ve lost my best friend,” Louise weeps.
- Anger. Anger, like armor, shields you from feeling the vulnerable feelings that lie underneath the anger. Anger at your spouse for rejecting, betraying, or abandoning you: Eva was enraged at her ex-husband because he started an affair during their marriage.
Aug 21, 2024 · A breakup or divorce can be one of the most stressful and emotional experiences in life. Whatever the reason for the split—and whether you wanted it or not—the breakup of a relationship can turn your whole world upside down and trigger all sorts of painful and unsettling emotions.
Oct 11, 2022 · Develop Emotional Intelligence. Join a Support Group. Focus on Loving Yourself First. Set Some Goals. Move Forward as a Single Parent. Divorce is an emotional rollercoaster. Getting "out of the habit" of being married can be an overwhelming time in any person's life.
