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Dec 23, 2020 · Any long-term relationship goes through periods of stress, friction or even doubt. But here are some considerations if you feel your relationship may be near the breaking point.
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- Overview
- When there’s been a breach of trust
- When you’re in a long-distance relationship
- When you live together
- When you’ve just had a big fight
- When you just aren’t feeling it
- Frequently asked questions
- The bottom line
Many relationships lose their spark over time, but it isn’t always a sign that things are broken beyond repair. What might feel like a dying relationship can often be saved or restored with a mutual commitment to making things work.
You’ve heard it a million times, but it bears repeating: even the strongest relationships face challenges.
Building a happy, healthy partnership takes work and may not always be easy, especially when there’s been a breach of trust.
“Issues are a part of life and a part of being in a relationship,” says clinical psychologist Stone Kraushaar. “And the goal is to not fixate on the past, but work to create together in a meaningful way.”
Take full responsibility if you’re at fault
If there has been infidelity or trust has been broken, it’s important to take full responsibility for what happened and be understanding of how your behavior hurt your partner. Avoid becoming defensive or sidestepping your mistake, but don’t fall into self-loathing either. “You should own it in a loving way that creates the space to start to rebuild trust,” says Kraushaar.
Extend compassion and care to the person you hurt
If you’ve hurt your partner, it’s easy to fall into a spiral of shame and disappointment in yourself. But that’s not going to help either of you. Rather than spend all your time beating yourself up over what you did wrong, try shifting that energy toward showing care and compassion to your partner.
Give your partner the opportunity to win your trust back
While you have every right to feel hurt and angry, there should be a desire to work on the relationship. “Trust can never be restored until the person whose trust was broken allows their partner a chance to earn it back,” Kraushaar affirms.
Manage expectations
Have a discussion with your partner about your exclusiveness and commitment to each other. What does this look like for each of you? What are you comfortable and uncomfortable with? Being honest and upfront about your expectations from the beginning can prevent things from going wrong down the road.
Have regularly scheduled visits
“It’s so important that couples know and have scheduled visits and can look forward to those times and plan to make them special,” notes Kraushaar. In fact, research has shown that long-distance relationships where partners have a reunion planned are less stressful and more satisfying.
Set aside time for online dates
If you’re not able to organize scheduled time together due to significant distance or finances, Kraushaar recommends setting up regular online dates with a theme or specific focus. Don’t just go for your usual conversation topics. Cook a meal together, watch a movie while you keep the video chat open, play a virtual game, or even read a short story aloud, taking turns.
Plan a regular ‘check in’
Kraushaar recommends setting up a specific time each week or so that allows you to talk about more difficult topics, such as money, sex, and trust so that these don’t bleed over into all of your interactions.
Learn to compromise
All relationships require give and take. When you’re living in close quarters, being accommodating of their needs and preferences without sacrificing your own can help foster more happiness and fulfillment. Consider working out some kind of temporary agreement that allows each of you to unwind at home alone. For example, maybe you stay a little later the gym on Tuesdays and Thursdays, while they hang out with a friend on Mondays and Wednesdays.
Spend time with friends outside of your relationship
Spending time with friends can have a powerful effect on your personal mental health and can help strengthen your personal identity. Remember, staying connected to your partner means having a life outside of your relationship.
Use skilled communication
Once tempers have calmed down, it’s important to make sure you each have a chance to get your points across. Try to give each person space to communicate their point of view. “Being open and honest about one’s thoughts and intentions about the relationship itself and the future can restore — or newly create — a sense of safety” in the relationship, says Montreal psychologist and relationship specialist Zofia Czajkowska, PhD.
Speak from your heart
In order for you partner to truly hear you, it’s important to communicate what you’re really feeling below all the tension. For example, avoid accusatory phrases, such as, “You did this to me!” Instead, aim for something along the lines of, “When X happens I feel Y and I think it would be helpful if you could do Z to reassure me or prevent that from happening in the future.”
Actively listen
If you catch yourself forming a rebuttal in your head as someone is talking to you, you’re not really listening. “You’re getting ready to defend yourself or go to battle,” says Czajkowska. “Winning” an argument is never truly winning, she adds. “If your partner feels that they lost, it will likely contribute to more distance, tension, and resentment, so in the long run, you lose too.”
Look at the upside of your relationship
Spend a week noticing or writing down all the things your partner does “right.” People tend to see what they’re looking for. If you’re looking for reasons to be mad or upset with your partner, you’ll probably find them. But this works in reverse, too. Keep your eyes peeled for the good things.
Say ‘thank you’ for the small things
Similarly, don’t just silently observe your partner’s right-doings. When they do something that’s kind of helpful, even if it’s just tidying up the kitchen after a meal, verbally thank them.
Have fun together
Sometimes, you just fall into a rut. It might sound cliche, but setting aside some time, even just a few hours, to go do something out of the ordinary can make a big difference. Psychological research shows that partners who play together experience more positive emotions and report greater happiness. Here are a few ideas to get you started: •Take a one-time class together. •Grab a deck of cards or a board game you each used to love and head to the park. •Scan your local weekly paper for unusual events. Even if you’re not totally sure what the event entails, make a plant to go check it out together, whether it’s a craft fair or a car show.
How do you save a broken relationship?
How you save a damaged relationship can depend on the cause of the damage but most strategies involve restoring trust, intimacy, and communication and making a commitment to repairing the relationship. Consulting with a professional, such as a couples therapist, may help provide specific strategies you can try.
Is there a way to save a dying relationship?
You may be able to save a dying relationship if you and your partner commit to rebuilding it. Some strategies to try include active listening, compromise, honesty, and communication. More specific advice can depend on the reasons your relationship is damaged.
How do you bring a relationship back to life?
You can potentially restore a relationship by both partners making a commitment to noticing the things the other does right, having fun together, and finding ways to take care of each other emotionally by building intimacy.
Ultimately, you’ll need to evaluate whether the relationship is worth the work that’s required to save it from a low point.
It’s also wise to make sure everyone involved is committed to saving the relationship. If you’re the only one willing to put in the work, reconciliation probably isn’t likely.
That said, abuse of any kind, whether it’s physical, verbal, or emotional, is a red flag. Keep in mind that signs of toxicity can be quite subtle. Are you walking on eggshells around your partner? Have you lost your confidence or sense of self?
If you have any inkling that you might be experiencing abuse of any kind, consider reaching out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE (7233).
You can also contact the Crisis Text Line by sending a text message to:
•741741 in the United States
- You talk about the relationship improving in some hypothetical future. In other words, you're convinced the relationship will be better "when." Some examples
- You're feeling pressured to change, and it makes you feel less worthy as a result. It's one thing for your partner to ask you to stop putting so much garlic in the salad dressing.
- You feel loved and supported... but only when you're happy. Many of us feel loved and supported in our relationships when we're feeling happy, confident, and comfortable.
- You feel negative around your partner, regularly. You feel disrespected, underappreciated, frustrated, hurt, insignificant, lonely, invalidated, ashamed, or guilty on a regular basis.
- The Intimacy Just Isn’t There Anymore. If one of you reaches out for sexual intimacy, and the other consistently responds with excuses about being tired, irritated, stressed, disconnected, or not in the mood, it could indicate underlying issues in your relationship.
- You Can’t Problem Solve Together. In long-term relationships, it’s common to have the same fight again and again. You know the fight I’m talking about. Even when you bicker about something different like the dishes, work, family, or money—somehow, somehow, the argument inevitably tumbles back to the same core issue.
- You Feel Alone When You’re Next To Them. If you find yourself longing to do things alone or fantasizing about moments they won’t be around so you can participate in the activities you enjoy, that’s an invitation to pause and reflect further.
- You Just Know It. Our subconscious mind controls 95% of our lives, meaning that a majority of our decisions, actions, emotions, and behaviors are influenced beyond our conscious awareness.
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