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How to communicate better in a relationship?
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How do good communication skills affect a relationship?
- Let go of blame. It’s okay for there to be a problem without finding a cause. Whats more effective, to point the finger when someone spills the milk, or to say, Oh, the milk was spilt.
- Tolerate two different viewpoints. Keep in mind that nothing is absolutely black-and-white. It’s okay for you and your partner to feel differently about certain things.
- Focus on what you can control yourself. Not the other person. “The ironyis that most people are so caught up in trying to control the things they cannot control – other people, circumstances, or outcomes – that in the process they lose controlof themselves.”
- Avoid unnecessary conflict. Just because someone picks a fight with you doesn’t mean that you have to accept the invitation. If you sense an adversarial tone in someone, you can take a few deep breaths, ask yourself whether it’s worth it to engage in discussion about the matter, and if so, how you can do so in a calm and respectful manner, no matter how the other person is behaving.
- Overview
- Benefits of Communication in Relationships
- Communication Doesn't Solve Everything
- Signs of Great Communication in Relationships
- Signs of Poor Communication in Relationships
- 5 Ways to Improve Communication in Relationships
- When to Get Help
- Takeaway
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Communication is vital for healthy relationships. Being able to talk openly and honestly with the people in your life allows you to share, learn, respond, and forge lasting bonds. This is a vital part of any relationship, including those with friends and family, but it can be particularly important in romantic relationships.
At a Glance
While all relationships are different and each one has its own ups and downs, being able to talk to your partner means that you'll be able to share your worries, show support for one another, and work together to handle conflict more effectively.
If the communication in your relationship is lacking, you can strengthen it by being present in your conversations, focusing on your relationship, and really listening to what your partner has to say.
What's Your Communication Style? Take the Quiz and Find Out
Less Rumination
Communication in relationships can minimize rumination. Instead of stewing over negative feelings, good communication allows people to discuss their concerns and resolve them in a more positive, effective way.
Greater Intimacy
Good communication in relationships also fosters intimacy. Forming a close emotional connection with another person requires a mutual give-and-take when it comes to sharing things about yourself and listening to the other person. This reciprocal self-disclosure means talking about your experiences, beliefs, values, opinions, and expectations. In order to do this, you both need to possess communication skills that foster this connection and allow it to grow and deepen with time.
Less Conflict
Communication in relationships reduces and resolves conflict. Every relationship is bound to experience conflict from time to time. When you are able to talk about your problems in an open and honest way, however, you can resolve arguments and disagreements more readily. Rather than getting caught up in a cycle of misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and emotional strife, you can address your problems and take steps to improve your relationship.
While the common assumption has long been that if you want to improve your relationship, you should start by improving your communication, some research has suggested that the answer might not be so simple.
A study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family found that while there is certainly a connection between communication and relationship satisfaction, good communication alone doesn't definitively predict how happy you'll be in your relationships.
So what do experts mean when they talk about "good communication?" Are you and your partner both on the same page or are there signs that might indicate a problem in how you relate to one another?
First, it is important to think about what we mean by communication. On the surface, it involves the words that people use to convey information to one another.
But it can also involve other ways of transmitting information including tone of voice, body language, and other forms of nonverbal communication. In many cases, what you don’t say can mean just as much if not more than what you do say.
Some of the hallmarks of effective communication in relationships include:
•Active listening: Active listening involves being engaged in the conversation, listening attentively, and reflecting back on what people have said. It also involves asking for clarification when needed and avoiding making judgments.
•Not personalizing issues: When communicating in relationships, people who are good at it avoid personalizing their partner's actions. Instead, they focus on the situation and how things can be resolved.
Some signs that your relationship is being negatively affected by communication problems include:
•Assuming that you know what your partner thinks or feels
•Constantly criticizing one another
•Engaging in passive-aggressive behaviors
•Feeling like you can't really talk to your partner
•Getting defensive when your partner tries to talk to you
Consider Your Attachment Style
Think about how your attachment style might affect your communication patterns. Attachment styles are your characteristic patterns of behavior in relationships. Your early attachment style, which emerges in childhood based on relationships with caregivers, can continue to affect how you behave and respond in adult romantic relationships. If you have an insecure attachment style, you may be more likely to engage in communication patterns that can be seen as anxious or avoidant. Recognizing how your attachment style affects how you interact with your partner (and how your partner's style affects how they interact with you) can give you clues into what you might need to work on.
Recap
If you or your partner have an insecure attachment style, it can have an impact on how you communicate and interact with your partner. Knowing your style and being aware of how it may manifest as anxious or avoidant behavior can help you find ways to overcome less effective communication patterns.
Be Fully Present
In order to make sure that both of you are listening and understanding, minimize distractions and focus on being fully present when you are communicating. This might involve setting aside time each day to really focus on one another and talk about the events of the day and any concerns you may have. Limiting your device use at certain times of day, such as during meals or at bedtime, can be a great way to focus on your partner without having your attention pulled in different directions.
There are many steps you can take to improve the communication in your relationship on your own, but there may be times that you feel like professional help might be needed. Couples therapy can be a great way to address communication problems that might be holding your relationship back.
A therapist can help identify unhelpful communication patterns, develop new coping techniques, and practice talking to one another in more effective ways. They can also address any underlying resentments or other mental health issues that might be having a detrimental impact on your relationship.
Effective communication in a relationship allows people to tell other people what they need and to respond to what their partner needs. It allows people to feel understood, validated, and connected to another person.
Always remember that the goal of communicating is to understand one another. It isn't about sweeping problems under the rug in order to prevent all conflict. Instead, focus on listening to understand and responding with empathy and care. If you and your partner are struggling with communication issues, consider talking to a therapist for advice and tips on how to cope.
5 Sources
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
1.Gottman J, Silver N. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York, NY: Crown Publishers; 1999.
2.Lavner JA, Karney BR, Bradbury TN. Does couples’ communication predict marital satisfaction, or does marital satisfaction predict communication?: couple communication and marital satisfaction. Journal of Marriage and Family. 2016;78(3):680-694. doi:10.1111/jomf.12301
Feb 16, 2024 · How to Better Communicate in Personal Relationships. How to Improve Communication in Romantic Relationships. Communication in Long Distance Relationships. How to Spot Defensive Communication (And Non-Verbal Signs) Avoiding Over-Communication. Books on Communication in Relationships. Quotes on Communication in Relationships Quotes.
May 3, 2024 · Whether it’s a brief chat with a colleague or a deep discussion with a loved one, prioritizing effective communication in relationships will help you connect with the people around you and create impactful exchanges that grow your community.
- Establish guidelines for how you want to approach communication as a couple. Couples' therapist Elizabeth Earnshaw, LMFT, recommends couples have an actual conversation where they talk about…well, how they want to talk to each other.
- Create a pattern of openness. Make transparency the norm in your relationship, says Guttman. "Create a sustainable pattern of being honest, staying connected, and remaining open to each other.
- Speak gently. Avoid raising your voice to the best of your abilities. We all get carried away sometimes, but make it a goal of yours to be caring and gentle toward your partner even when you're upset with them.
- Avoid criticism. Criticism is one of the so-called four horsemen of the apocalypse, which are four communication habits that have been found to predict divorce.
Mar 21, 2023 · Would you like to better communicate with your partner? The tips and tools outlined in this article are guaranteed to help improve the communication in your relationship.
Nov 18, 2022 · Better communication in a relationship takes practice which is why you should learn to be assertive. This entails expressing your feelings and getting your needs satisfied without hurting your spouse.
