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Sep 26, 2022 · Learn how long it takes to fall in love, the difference between infatuation and true love, and the factors that affect your feelings. Find out how science, psychology, and personal experience can help you understand your romantic relationships.
- Infatuation
Love may take a more practical approach to the future....
- Self-love
Loving Actions. When we ignore, hide, or discount our needs...
- Infatuation
- Overview
- There isn’t a “normal” amount of time
- Understanding “love at first sight”
- What falling in love can feel like
- Common “stages” you might recognize
- Talking about what you want with your partner(s)
- If you aren’t yet sure of your feelings
- Tips for moving forward
- The bottom line
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There’s no set timeline for falling in love. Some people feel instant attraction at first sight, while others may take months to form a deep connection.
Love tends to be somewhat complicated. Most people would probably agree, in fact, that even “complicated” is putting it mildly.
Even the act of falling in love can mean different things to different people — or at different points in your life. If you’ve fallen in love a time or two before, you might have some firsthand knowledge of its complexities. You might even find it a slippery thing to define, no matter how many times you’ve experienced it.
Is it that first rush of powerful attraction that leaves you dizzy, breathless, and feeling like you’re about to literally fall over? That spark of absolute certainty that you’ve finally met your match? That moment when you can no longer imagine a life without that person in it?
If you already know people typically don’t fall in love at exactly the same time, in exactly the same way, it may not surprise you to learn that researchers find it somewhat challenging to pinpoint the time it takes to fall in love.
Basically, it’s tough to measure a process that doesn’t fall within any defined parameters. There’s no set test that can determine whether you’re in love or not. You might not even know with any certainty exactly what your own feelings mean.
But researchers have tried to measure how long it takes people to feel like confessing their love. Using this as a litmus test for falling in love makes sense, when you think about it.
You might choose to wait before saying those three (not-always-little) words, sure. But chances are, you wouldn’t start to consider saying them unless you actually had started to fall for someone.
A 6-part study published in 2011 looked at various aspects of commitment in romantic relationships.
In one experiment, researchers asked a total of 111 university students (45 female, 66 male) two questions about their current or most recently ended romantic relationship:
Romance novels, fairy tales, and romantic comedies would have you believe in the magic of chance encounters and serendipitous insta-love. Science suggests an alternate explanation: attraction at first sight.
Upon first meeting someone, you probably know next to nothing about their personality traits, ability to commit, or typical relationship behavior — you know, all those factors that play a major part in sustaining long-term love.
You don’t have much more to go on than physical appearance, in fact, and 2017 research supports the idea that most reports of “love at first sight” stem from that first flash of attraction.
Study authors also suggest some partners might put a more romantic spin on their connection by remembering that early spark of desire as love.
So, we’ve established you can’t use time to reliably predict when you might fall in love. Then how can you tell when it actually happens?
Most people agree it usually involves some of the following:
•A burst of energy and excitement. You might describe this as feeling “on top of the world.”
•A sense of newness. Your day-to-day routine might feel revitalized, brighter, or more interesting.
•Difficulty focusing on anything else. Most of your waking moments, plus plenty of your dreaming ones, center on memories of your past encounters and plans for future meetings.
•A desire to spend as much time together as possible. You don’t even care what you do together. Run errands? Scrub floors? Anything sounds fun when they’re around.
Lust
This stage has a lot to do with sexual desire. You can thank your evolutionary impulse to propagate the human species for that. On a more chemical level, the hormones estrogen and testosterone (present in varying levels in people of every gender) help boost libido and prompt the urge to get physical. That’s one good explanation why the early weeks of a relationship often involve plenty of physical intimacy.
Attraction
This stage can also involve feelings of lust and desire, but it goes a little deeper. As attraction takes root and blooms, your brain produces higher levels of different hormones, namely dopamine and norepinephrine. These chemicals can boost energy levels and leave you with a sense of giddy bliss — and sometimes, feelings of jealousy and a need to fiercely protect a partner and your relationship. This euphoric state can even begin to affect other body processes, like sleep and appetite.
Attachment
Once your attraction stabilizes, it can eventually transform to long-term attachment. The hormones oxytocin (aka “the love hormone”) and vasopressin take the leading roles here. This stage tends to prompt the desire to form lasting bonds and nurture your existing attraction. Here, you might make a conscious choice to develop your feelings of love for someone who feels right for you, instead of simply dancing to the tune of lust and attraction. Want to learn more? We break down love’s effects on your brain and body here.
If you tend to fall in love pretty easily, saying “I love you” may not feel terribly monumental. You recognize the feelings when they come up, so you share them with a partner because, well, why not?
Yet sometimes those three words represent an enormous leap of faith and trust. You want a partner to respond in kind, and you don’t know what you’ll do if they don’t return your love.
You think you’ve fallen in love, but you worry it might be too soon. After all, you just started dating a few months ago. Can you really love them already?
Maybe they confessed their love, but you don’t know exactly how you feel. Do you love them? Or just like them an awful lot?
Most people need at least a little time to sort out complicated romantic feelings. If you have a secure attachment style, Estavillo explains, you might be more likely to trust your gut, or your intuitive sense of the relationship.
Accepting your feelings as they come might prove more challenging when you have an insecure attachment. Estavillo explains that an anxious-insecure attachment can mean you:
•fall in love quickly
•consider yourself unlovable
You know you do want to fall in love, just not too quickly. So what’s a good middle ground to effectively build intimacy?
Generally speaking, this means letting love bud and flower naturally instead of forcing it. Nurture new love with:
•open communication
•clear boundaries
•shared vulnerabilities
If you find it tough to trust a new partner, Estavillo recommends offering small opportunities to earn your trust:
Love doesn’t happen in the same way for everyone. It stands to reason, then, the amount of time it takes for your footing to falter as you tumble head over heels can vary pretty widely, too.
Instead of counting the months that pass, try focusing on how you feel around your partner. Love can exist and flourish without words, after all, and you might feel its presence before anyone gives it voice.
There’s no set timeline for falling in love, but researchers have found some clues to help you recognize the signs and stages. Learn about the factors that influence attraction, lust, and attachment, and how to communicate your feelings with your partner.
- Catherine Winter
- Realization That You’re Interested In This Person As More Than A Friend. This often strikes out of nowhere and leaves you with your jaw hanging somewhere around Antarctica.
- Preoccupation. The person you’re falling for is constantly in your thoughts. You overfill your coffee cup because you’re thinking about them, your eyes glaze over in class or during a meeting at work because you’re trying to determine your next step.
- Idolization. Everything they do is just so cute, isn’t it? Yeaaaah. It is. It REALLY is. Also known as “the smittening,” this stage turns you into a quibbling mess of heartsick jelly that’s just oozing with delight about everything your partner does.
- Awkwardness And Insecurity. This is where you’re getting seriously involved with the person, but you’re still uncertain about exactly how they feel about you because you’re too nervous to discuss it, so you’re awkward and flustered and you worry about what you say (BREATHE) and think that they probably believe you’re a complete idiot and did they notice that you forgot your deodorant today omg you better not hug them too closely (BREATHE) but if you don’t hug them then they might think you don’t really like them as much as you do but you don’t want them to think you smell and and and (PANICKED BREATHING)…
Oct 12, 2023 · Learn about the factors that influence how long it takes to fall in love, such as attraction, connection, trust, and respect. Find out what love at first sight is, what falling in love feels like, and what stages it involves.
Feb 20, 2024 · The answer depends on how you define love and your attachment style. You can fall in love in a month, a week, or long-distance, but it may not be stable or true love yet.
Nov 10, 2023 · On average, men think about confessing their love 97 days into a relationship, while women don't consider dropping the L bomb until 149 days in, according to a 2011 study in the Journal of...
Aug 1, 2024 · Does love at first sight exist? How long does it really take to fall in love? The answers might surprise you: Here's what relationship experts have to say.
