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- They're a fair-weather friend. Does this person find a way to be around when it could benefit them, but as soon as you truly need them, they disappear?
- They aren't there for you. Similarly, Nuñez says if a friend is virtually never there for you when you're going through a hard time, they're probably a fake friend.
- They always seem to need something from you. Fake friends tend to only reach out or get together when they want or need something from you, Leeds explains.
- They're competitive with you. Leeds and Nuñez both note fake friends can be quite competitive, which stems from a place of jealousy. They may always try to one-up you in conversation, whether one on one or even in group settings, or generally want to seem better than you.
- Overview
- How Can You Tell Who's a Fake Friend?
- What Causes Someone to Be a Fake Friend?
- These Are the Different Types of Fake Friends
- How Fake Friendships Can Take a Toll on Us
- How to Deal With Fake Friends
- How to Build Authentic Friendships
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Fake friends are people who pretend to care about you but don’t actually have your best interests at heart.
Also known as false friends or fair-weather friends, they tend to act like friends only when it benefits them, says Aimee Daramus, PsyD, a clinical psychologist at Clarity Clinic, Chicago.
Genuine friends can be a valuable source of emotional and practical support. In fact, research shows us that having good friends is linked to lower stress and better mental and physical health.
However, it can be tough to rely on a fake friend, because they may not show much support, empathy, or loyalty when you truly need it. “When you need something, they’re suddenly not that into it,” says Dr. Daramus.
In this article, we explore the signs, causes, impact, and types of fake friends. We also ask the expert for some tips on how to deal with a fake friend.
These are some of the signs of a fake friend:
•Inconsistency: Fake friends tend to be around when they need something, but not when you need something, says Dr. Daramus. They may disappear or make excuses during your time of need.
•One-sidedness: Your relationship with them may feel one-sided. For example, your conversations with them might revolve only around them, their life, and their opinions. They may not show much interest in what’s going on with you.
•Unreliability: They may be unreliable and rarely keep their promises to you, says Dr. Daramus. You may find it difficult to count on them for anything. For instance, they may make plans with you and stand you up. Or, they may promise to help you with something and flake out at the last minute, leaving you stranded.
•Betrayal: The person may not be loyal to you. They may share your confidences with others, talk badly about you behind your back, or even spread rumors about you.
•Disrespect: They may dismiss, belittle, ridicule, or humiliate you in front of other people.
These are some of the factors that might cause someone to be a fake friend:
•Self-centeredness: A self-centered person who is primarily focused on their own needs and desires might use someone to fulfill their own goals without a thought for the other person’s well-being. Some people are brought up to think only of themselves, says Dr. Daramus.
•Insecurity: People who struggle with low self-esteem or feelings of inadequacy might use fake friendships as a way to boost their own self-worth. They may seek attention and validation from others to feel better about themselves.
•Narcissism: Someone with narcissistic tendencies may be a fake friend, says Dr. Daramus. Narcissists tend to have an inflated sense of self, a marked lack of empathy for others, and a willingness to use others to achieve their goals.
•Psychopathy: People with psychopathic tendencies may also be fake friends, says Dr. Daramus. Psychopathy is characterized by a lack of empathy, manipulative behavior, and a disregard for the rights and feelings of others.
•Childhood trauma: Difficult experiences in childhood can also play a role. The person could have had a rough time as a child and never outgrown a survival mindset, says Dr. Daramus.
These are some of the types of fake friends:
•The fair-weather friend: Fair-weather friends are there when times are good, but are nowhere to be found when things are tough.
•The opportunist: Opportunists are always looking for what they can get out of the relationship. They'll be around when they need something from you, but they'll disappear when you need help or support.
•The flatterer: Flatterers shower you with compliments and praise, but their intentions are not genuine. They use flattery to manipulate you into doing things for them.
•The competitor: Competitors view your accomplishments as a threat to themselves. They downplay your achievements, undermine your efforts, or try to one-up you to maintain a sense of superiority.
•The gossip: Gossips are people who thrive on drama and rumors. They might spread lies or personal business about you, which can harm your reputation and relationships.
Deceptive relationships can develop through no fault of your own. However, having a fake friend can affect you emotionally.
These are some of the emotions you may experience as a result of having a fake friend:
•Disappointment: You may often find yourself feeling disappointed and let down when they don’t show up for you or do what they said they would, says Dr. Daramus.
•Betrayal: You may find yourself feeling upset and betrayed if you find out they’ve been talking behind your back, sharing your personal information with others, or spreading rumors about you.
•Anger and hurt: You may find yourself feeling angry and hurt by their comments and actions.
•Self-doubt: Fake friends might gaslight you and make you doubt yourself until you can barely tell what’s real and what isn’t, says Dr. Daramus.
Finding out someone is a fake or toxic friend is not easy. However, these are some strategies that can help you deal with them:
•Trust your instincts: Listen to your gut. If something feels off about the friendship, don't dismiss your intuition.
•Let them know what you need: Dr. Daramus suggests letting them know what you need from them. Give them a chance to show up for you. Don’t get your hopes up but pay attention to their words and actions.
•Tell them what’s bothering you: If they fail to show up for you, Dr. Daramus recommends confronting them and telling you what’s bothering you about their behavior. Be prepared for defensiveness or denial.
•Set boundaries: Establish clear boundaries with the person. Don’t help them or lend them anything unless things change, says Dr. Daramus.
•Limit contact: Be willing to let them go if they disrespect you again, says Dr. Daramus. Understand that it's OK to prioritize your happiness and well-being.
These are some strategies that can help you build authentic friendships:
•Be yourself: Authentic friendships are based on genuine connections. Be true to yourself and let people get to know the real you.
•Look for people with similar values: Connect with people who share your core values and beliefs. This forms a strong foundation for friendship.
•Give it time: Dr. Daramus recommends letting friendship build slowly. Don't rush the process. Instead, allow the relationship to evolve naturally. Patterns of behavior usually emerge over time, says Dr. Daramus.
•Make sure it’s a two-way street: Genuine friendships involve give-and-take. Make sure you’re not the only one contributing to the relationship.
•Prioritize quality over quantity: Focus on building a few meaningful friendships based on trust and mutual support, rather than trying to amass a large number of acquaintances.
- How much do they talk about themselves? I once had a “friend” who would call me almost daily to discuss his ideas and problems. I tried to be a good friend by listening to and giving feedback.
- How interested are they in you? Do they ask you many questions about your life, opinions, and feelings? Do you get to talk about your problems? Do they support you when things are rough?
- What type of people do they hang out with? I remember when one of my friends started dating a new girl. He told me she was amazing, but her behaviors sometimes troubled him.
- Do they apologize and make up for their mistakes? My best friend once forgot about our date, and I was left alone in the middle of town. I called him, and he was extremely embarrassed and apologetic about it.
Jul 19, 2023 · Learn the signs of a fake friend and how to avoid or let go of toxic relationships. Find out what real friends do and how to make friends who aren't fake.
- Catherine Winter
- They use you. “Oh, hey… I haven’t talked to you in forever, how are you doing? Are you free next weekend? See, I’m moving and I’m going to need some help carrying boxes…”
- They put you down. Subtle digs in the guise of playful teasing, one-upmanship, and backhanded compliments are just a few of the ways that fake friends may try to put you down in order to make themselves feel better.
- They dump their emotional load on you and drain your energy. You know that person who only ever tells you about all the awful crap going on in their life?
- They get angry if you call them out for crossing your boundaries. If you tell a true friend that they’ve crossed your boundaries by saying or doing something that’s upset you, they’ll apologize and try to make amends.
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Mar 28, 2024 · Fake friendships can sometimes be difficult to spot, as people who are fake friends tend to be very good at manipulation and deceit. Friendships where you do not feel your needs are fully supported or acknowledged are usually fake. In some situations, you may have to deal with a fake friend.
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Jan 17, 2018 · Fake friends might as well be scum of the Earth for all the support they will give you. Use this guide to figure out if your friends are your real friends! 1. Support you in all your endeavors. A real best friend will encourage you with anything that you try!
