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When interviewed by James Cameron for an AMC documentary series, Christopher Nolan said, "If waking life is prose, dreams are poetry." True. Science fiction imagines an incredible yet possible future and fantasy a believable yet mythical past, and in their exploration of the human condition they are universal and timeless, like dreams.
- Overview
- Why the Death of One's Mother Is So Hard
- How a Mother's Death Can Affect Someone
- What Is Complex Bereavement?
- How to Heal from the Death of a Mother
- A Word From Verywell
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The death of one's mother is one of the hardest things most people will go through in life. Whether you two had a great relationship, a strained relationship, or something in between, this event will likely have a significant impact on your life.
In one survey, between 20% to 30% of participants stated that losing a loved one was the most traumatic event in their lives—even among those who had reported 11 or more traumatic events over the course of their life. For that group, 22% still ranked the loss of a loved one as their most traumatic event.
How the Five Stages of Grief Can Help Process a Loss
Whether you are grieving the death of a mother who birthed you or a mother (or mother figure) who raised you, you are either grieving the bond you had or the bond you wish you had.
John Bowlby, a British psychologist, believed that children are born with a drive to seek attachment with their caregivers. While others before him believed that attachment was food-motivated, he believed that attachment formed based on nurturing and responsiveness.
Therefore, it makes sense that grieving that attachment—or lack thereof—would be incredibly difficult.
A mother is such an integral part of our lives in our society, in part because we are not raised in communities with a variety of caretakers,” says Liz Schmitz-Binnall, PsyD, who has done research on mother loss and resilience.
Her research specifically focused on adult women who had lost their mothers as children and found that they scored lower on resilience than those who had not lost mothers as children.
She says she sees many people who didn’t have a good relationship with their mother but are surprised at the strength of their grief reaction following their mother’s death.
While mother loss differs from other losses in some key ways, some of the same effects that come from any kind of loss or bereavement are present. Some thoughts and feelings typical of grief:
•Shock
•Numbness
•Sadness
•Disbelief
•Confusion
All grief is complex, but upon losing someone, many people are able to slowly readjust to their daily routines (or create new routines). Mental health professionals may call it complicated or complex bereavement if it has been at least a year and your daily function is still significantly impacted.
(Note: the current clinical name is Persistent Complex Bereavement Disorder, but the American Psychiatric Association recently approved a change of name to Prolonged Grief Disorder.)
Some of the signs of prolonged grief are the following symptoms still significantly impacting your daily functioning after 12 months:
•Difficulty moving on with life
•Emotional numbness
•Thoughts that life is meaningless
When loss is fresh, it feels like you will feel that way forever—but you won’t.
“If you allow yourself to grieve, and if others allow you to grieve,” says Schmitz-Binnall, “you will probably notice that the really intense feelings will lessen during the first few months after the death of your mother.”
She says that while most people intuitively realize it can be hard to lose a mother, they don’t realize quite how hard it can be—or how long it can take. “People in our society often think we can move through grief in a month and be done with it.”
And even if we don’t acknowledge those feelings, that doesn’t mean they aren’t existing and impacting our lives anyway.
The death of a mother is one of the most traumatic things someone can experience. If you are currently grieving your mother, give yourself grace. Whether you had a good relationship or not with her, there will always be grief associated with either the actual relationship you had or the one you wish you had.
4 Sources
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
1.Hasin DS, Grant BF. The national epidemiologic survey on alcohol and related conditions (Nesarc) waves 1 and 2: review and summary of findings. Soc Psychiatry Psychiatr Epidemiol. 2015;50(11):1609-1640. doi:10.1007/s00127-015-1088-0
2.Schmitz-Binnall E. Resilience in adult women who experienced early mother loss. All Antioch University Dissertations & Theses.
•Keyes KM, Pratt C, Galea S, McLaughlin KA, Koenen KC, Shear MK. The burden of loss: unexpected death of a loved one and psychiatric disorders across the life course in a national study. AJP. 2014;171(8):864-871. doi:10.4088/jcp.v67n0209
My mother may not have been able to find happiness in her own life, but I know she would want that for me. No one is going to water you like a plant—you have to choose to thrive. 7. Time heals, but on its own timeline. “Time heals all wounds” is something I heard a lot at my mother’s memorial service.
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